It’s been four weeks since you broke my heart walked out of my life without a backward glance.
The first seven days were the hardest. The happy picture of you and I had shattered into a million tiny pieces and everywhere I went, I kept stumbling on the broken shards. Each one a painful reminder of what I had lost.
I reflected on our relationship and was filled with sadness and regret as one by one, all of the times I’d chosen fear over love were revealed to me. I lamented over the fact that I didn’t always show up the way I wanted to when I was with you. I beat myself up for not making the changes that I needed to make in my life sooner. I thought about all of the things I’d do differently if I could go back in time and have a second chance.
“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert
After the obligatory misery-fest ended, I made a decision to stop being so hard on myself. I realised that I am only human… a work in progress. I resolved to sift through the rubble of our broken relationship and look for the lessons and gifts I could take with me on the road to transformation.
Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
After examining my regrets, I found clarity and opportunities to do things differently in the future. I made a promise to myself that from now on I will be courageous enough to say, “I love you,” the very first time I feel the urge to say it. I will do the necessary work to feel secure enough within myself to give love without first knowing it will be reciprocated. I will cast off the dark shadow of past hurt, and be free.
I will do what it takes to resolve my issues and insecurities so that I can be present with whoever is in front of me. I refuse to waste any more valuable time and energy on needless overthinking and worrying. I will not allow myself to be distracted by wondering if I am good enough, because I will see to it that I absolutely am.
I will actively seek out new experiences. I will no longer choose comfort and ease over challenge, adventure and growth. I will not let opportunities to create memories slip through my fingers because of apathy and laziness.
I will be brave enough to speak up and talk about things when I feel there is a problem. I will not put my guard up and hope it will all work itself out without me having to do anything. I will allow myself to be vulnerable and make it a priority to nurture and grow the important connections in my life through open communication.
I am committed to continually putting in the effort required to look good for myself and for my future love. I no longer use food to numb my insecurities and reinforce the gap between where I am and where I want to be.
I am committed to being a vibrant, courageous woman in pursuit of my dreams… gone are the days of acting like a frightened little girl and a product of the past.
I am committed to taking responsibility for creating the life I want to live. I will cultivate happiness and gratitude and meditate often so that never again will I lose myself or get stuck in a rut of my own making.
After years of hiding, withholding and playing small, I feel like I have finally been broken open.
I am grateful to you for helping me see what I needed to change. I would never have chosen for you to leave but I can see now that the beginning, middle and end of our relationship served as the chrysalis I needed in order to grow and transform into more than I have ever been. Thank you for breaking my heart wide open and changing my life.
“She loved him because he had brought her back to life. She had been like a caterpillar in a cocoon, and he had drawn her out and shown her that she was a butterfly.” ~ Ken Follett
This post was featured on ElephantJournal.com in February 2016.